my quest for perfection

confession. i think that i can be perfect. if given the right set of circumstances, i can make everything happen seamlessly & easily. if i just try hard enough, plan well enough, anticipate far enough in advance, then my assignments, my ministry commitments & my relationships will all be accomplished without a hitch.

for the past year, i have worked 40+ hours a week & taken 10 hours of school while coordinating the children’s ministry at our church, applying to grad school complete with volunteer hours. in case you ever decide that that is a good idea, trust me- it’s not. i lived through the aftermath of exhaustion but would not wish that on my worst enemy. during this time, i have been fully aware of my limitations. there just aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish all of that & not go insane. all of my commitments suffered at one point or another. however, i muscled through & am now happily working just a few hours a week & in school fulltime, complete with lunch breaks, time to work out, and a bedtime of 11pm every night.

while i was trying to juggle so many things at once, i gave myself more grace, saying that i just had to get through & was much easier on myself. it was ok if i got a b in class because an a was just not possible on top of everything else i had going on. i told myself i would make it up in grad school. when i had all my time to devote to my classes, i would be perfect. i would get an a on everything. i would exceed everyone’s expectations of me.

this morning, my bubble was burst. i did poorly on a quiz that i was underprepared for, not really having a great excuse. i’ve wrestled with this all day, wishing i had done things differently, wishing i had made different choices. but as i was turning my paper into my teacher, this verse popped into my head.

my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

i recognized my weakness a lot over the past year, saying that apart from the grace of God, there is no way that any OT program would let me in…but then my plan had been to pay Him back, to perform well, to prove that i deserved to be there, to show my strength. this attitude reminds me so much of katniss from the hunger games who has such a hard time believing that she is loved. she wrestles with trusting other people, with owing people who help her, with believing that those who truly love her ask nothing of her in return except for her trust.

it’s funny how whenever i try to make it about me, He makes it about Him. the thing is i’m never going to stop needing Him. i’m never going to be strong enough, work diligently enough, try hard enough that i’ll stop needing Him. and that’s not the point. when i am weak, i can boast in Him & His power can rest on me, reminding me of my desperate need for Him & His faithful provision.

confession. i am not perfect. i can’t be perfect…and that’s ok.

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