authenticity

confession…i often eat ice cream out of the carton.

confession…i have gone back to sleep after every boot camp this week & almost been late for work.

confession…i sometimes sleep with my window open even when it’s cold outside.

confession…i have not bought a 2010 dayplanner yet & can’t decide if i’m going to.

confession…i’m becoming a big fan of wii & rockband.

confession…for a person who doesn’t enjoy talking on the phone, i talk on the phone a lot.

confession…i can’t decide if i want to join a bookclub or not.

confession…i don’t know if i’ll ever have the opportunity to go back to the middle east & that makes me really sad.

confession…i’m 85% sure i want to go to grad school to become an occupational therapist.

confession…i want to memorize God’s Word & know the importance of it but don’t know how to be disciplined without becoming legalistic.

confession…i miss holding hands while watching a movie.

confession…i long to disciple a girl in college.

confession…today i heard a little girl yell mommy & jumped into her arms & longed for that.

therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

and we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

22 reasons why i love emily anne kenney

1 she is the most passionate person i know. whatever activity she engages in, wherever she is, she’s fully there, investing every part of herself.

2 she loves to laugh & laughs a lot & makes me laugh. i love her boyfriend because she uses different laugh muscles when she’s with him. i love listening to my siblings laugh…especially emily.

3 she is a musician. i love music. i love listening to music. i love talking about music. i just don’t love playing music. she plays the music on her cello (i love the cello) & bass & piano & she sings. and she’s DANG good & get to listen to it & talk about it & appreciate it. it’s a beautiful relationship. i’m so proud of how she kills herself is a crazy hard major because she loves music & wants to share her passion with kids someday. i love watching her interact with my musician friends because she blows them all out of the water in her knowledge of & passion for music. i get to be related to her.

4 she seeks knowledge. she questions. she doesn’t just accept answers- she seeks to know deep truths & truly understand topics, not just on the surface but fully. i settle for the surface- she pulls me down deep & makes me appreciate the struggle.

5 she knows my faults but loves me anyway. emily has seen my sin more than anyone. ever. i’ve been AWFUL to my sister. i’ve shown her the dark underbelly of myself. my selfishness. my pride. my anger. but in spite of that she extends forgiveness & grace & still tries. she never has & never will give up on our relationship. i love that in families you see the depth of who you are for good & for bad & learn how to live together because you’re stuck with each other…and that is such a good thing.

6 she taught me to love watching tv with people. whenever i live with people, i start watching the shows they watch. lost. the office. jersey shore. all have been an acquired taste from living with girls who loved those shows. but i learned this from emily. we loved to watch the wb together on tuesday nights. i love watching tv shows with her.

7 she has always been intentional about making friends with people who don’t love Jesus. i learned this from her- about how to befriend & love people who believe different things than you do. i learned how to share truth but love well from her. she struggles with this but continues to struggle because she knows it’s what we’re called to do.

8 she is the most loyal friend i’ve ever met. the longest i’ve ever had a friend is i think 6 years. that may be pushing it. she is still friends with people from elementary school. we had the disjointed school experience- she just weathered it better by maintaining long friendships. i love that she values sticking with people no matter the circumstances that change things. i love that she values restoration in relationships.

9 she loves our family. i love talking with emily about our family because she gets it more than anybody ever will. i love that she does for my family what i cannot. i love that she takes matt to dumb movies so my dad doesn’t have to. i love that she spends quality time with my mom. i live far away from my family so i love that she can love them in ways i can’t.

10 she knows how to push my buttons. when she was first born, i was really jealous. i did not handle the transition from being an only child to sharing with a little sister well. when she was little she would chase me around the house with a toilet brush. she knows exactly where i’m ticklish. she knows me well & at times uses that to her advantage. but her knowing me well is grounded in her deep love of me. so as she chases me around the house with the toilet brush, she does it out of love.

11 she is wise. whether it’s been to not swallow a quarter or be careful in relationships with boys, emily is a fountain of wisdom & she’s not afraid to tell me like it is. unfortunately i don’t always listen but i always should because she knows what’s she talking about.

12 she loves disney/pixar. “well, that went well.” “he did what in his cup?” “fish are friends. not food.” we both await the arrival of toy story 3 with great excitement.

13 she wants to know my life. it’s really important for her to know & like my friends to feel connected to my life. hence she’s flown & traveled  thousands of miles to be a part of my life. and she’s coming to see me again this winter. if you’ve talked to me recently you know i’m really really excited.

14 she engages in whatever emotion she’s feeling at the moment with every fiber of her being. i love that whether she’s laughing, crying, grunting in frustration, she does it with gusto.

15 she has all these accents & speaks kind of her own language. this aspect of her reminds me of the muppets, which we both love & which she does impressions of all the time. i think my favorite thing about them is that my mom attempts to imitate them & listening to my mom attempt to imitate them which is hilarious.

16 she is a great gift giver. i am a terrible gift of giver. no seriously i am. gifts are not how i love people. i forget people’s birthdays. emily loves gifts & gives gifts well…so we plot & buy christmas presents together which i love a lot. i also really really love my gloves from last year & my toms from this year. she’s seriously amazing at giving gifts.

17 she forgives easily. i am a grudge holder. it takes me a while to get over things & to shift from one point of view to another. but emily extends grace quickly. she demonstrates to me the finality of the Gospel & the love of Jesus.

18 she makes AMAZING mixes. she has the most eclectic taste in music & thus has a HUGE collection of music, resulting in wonderful mixes.

19 she was my very first roommate. we shared a room for the first 10ish years of my life. she taught me how to live with people with people who are very different from me. she dealt with me sleeping with this coyote who would howl in the middle of the night when i rolled onto it. and she let me move out of our room with not too many hard feelings.

20 she is a great r0adtripper. i love sharing life with her. jamming with her. praying while she’s sleeping. laughing so hard we feel like we’re drunk. she is one of my favorite people to travel long distances with. over the course of the thousands of miles we’ve traveled as we’ve listened to everything from the black eyed peas to adventures in odyssey.

21 she never says no to ice cream. we are usually the designated ice cream acquirers for the family, which has led to many hilarious car rides late at night.

22 she’s my sister. i love that that give us a special relationship- a relationship that is different than any other relationship i will ever have. i love that we get to share being sisters together. i also love that we are are own sisters. my mom & her sister have a wonderful relationship. and my sister & i have a wonderful relationship. and they are different

em i love you a whole lot. these are just a few of my favorite reasons why.

ps i’m sorry this is getting posted on january 10th, rather than the 6th like it should have been.

here i raise my ebenezer

come, thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. praise the mount! i’m fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

i love & hate new beginnings. i love the promise they bring. i hate the prospect of change. i love the process of looking back & taking inventory. i hate seeing things that should be different. i love getting a new calendar. i hate 2009 2010 appearing in everything i date for the next 2 months.

though this year has been hard in some ways, it has been so good in many others. i’m so thankful for this year. i’ve had to learn new melodies. i had to be fixed upon the mount of the redeeming love of Jesus. my heart has had to be tuned to sing his grace as often as emily’s cello in winter (about every 5 seconds). but it has been a year full of good gifts.

here i raise my ebenezer; hither by thy help i’ve come; and i hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

whenever i sing this verse, i hear nick dubose’s voice in my head explaining what an ebenezer is. it comes from 1 samuel 7. the israelites were lamenting their current situation- the ark of the covenant (the physical symbol of God’s presence) had been taken & violated by the philistines (the enemy). samuel’s response: “if you are returning to the Lord with all your heart, then put away the foreign gods and the ashtaroth from among you and direct your heart to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the philistines.” 7:3. so the israelites confessed their sin, put away every thing that stole their affection for the true God & served him alone.

the philistines heard that the israelites were gathered & sought to take advantage of their vulnerability, but the samuel sought the help of God & the philistines were routed by the chaos of a mighty sound. “then Samuel took a stone and set it up between mizpah and shen and called its name ebenezer (which means stone of help); for he said, “’till now the Lord has helped us’.”

God has rescued me from danger & provided stones of help in the following people, places & things in 2009.

people

1 my family: my parents have been incredibly supportive & encouraging through 2 moves, 2 jobs & adjusting to a new home, a new church & a new time zone. they’ve visited me a bunch, flown me home a bunch & basically been the steadfast presence in my life they’ve always been. emily & i share life together- she’s often the first person i call when i want to talk about something. and matt inspires me, makes me laugh & is one of my favorite people to just be with.

2 kendra kornegay: i love talking with her. of all my friends, she knows me the best because we talk the most. i love laughing at awkwardness, weeping over brokenness & rejoicing in the goodness of truth & Jesus. i’ve learned how to be a long distance friend because of her. i love doing life alongside her even though we live in different places. i love her.

3 kyle, christine, will, reese & luke hoover: i love this family. seriously. i love that i’m friends with my pastor. i love that christine provides wisdom & encouragement & invests in me…and i love getting to do the same back. i love seeing these boys grow up & change & learn about Jesus. nothing makes me feel more loved than hearing “miss marylyn!” and one of them popping a squat in my lap. i can’t imagine the hoover family not being a part of my life.

4 jie chen: i love her. a lot. she is my hang out friend. after a long day at work she is the first person i call to go get pedicures & a glass of wine. she & her husband cook yummy food for me. she shares her life- what’s she’s thinking, what she’s learning about God…and since my love language is people confiding in me, i feel so loved & treasured when i’m around jie.

5 sherrie ramsey: sherrie wakes up early with me to workout. she prays with me every monday night. she invites me to her bookclub. she listens well & asks good questions. day in & day out she is a blessing, reminding me of truth & its source.

6 mollie bush: mollie & i think alike. when i was desperate for a partner to help me plan children’s ministry, she volunteered. she makes me laugh & helps me laugh at myself. and she breaks through my weird touch issues. i love her.

7 the family who i hang out with 4 hours a week: i can’t imagine living somewhere else because i love this family. i love being friends with their sons. i love playing rock, paper, scissors, sharing truth & watching growth. i love eating their yummy food that’s super healthy. i love being a part of their lives.

8 faith & hannah: my lovely roommates. they are neat. i love that we are all so different & yet all love Jesus & the disney channel. i love when we bond. i love going on adventures together. and i love praying together.

9 marc sandhu & mitchem boles: they are the older brothers i never had…even though they both are younger than me. they have been faithful friends to me, defended me, & kept up with me. i’m thankful for them.

places

1 the cafeteria at cale elementary: i love watching it transform into a fun place for kids to play & learn about Jesus. i love the chaos that ensues as soon as our first kids get there. and i love the windows that let us welcome each kid before they get there.

2 my porch: i love that we have view of the mountains from our apartment. i love that it’s a place of tranquility amidst the craziness of life. i love sitting outside, eating dinner, talking on the phone & spending time with Jesus.

3 humpback rock: i’ve hiked the rocks many times with several different people. each time i’ve been at a different place & each time the mountain reflects the passing of the seasons. i’m thankful for the growth & change that comes with the passing of time. i love the view of the mountains. i love the exhausting journey that it takes to get to the top. and i love the conversations that i’ve had in through the process.

4 my corner in the ramsey apartment: our community group leaders have these shelves on the north wall of their apartment that i sit under each week. i have a spot! i love having a spot. i love sitting in my spot listening to wisdom of my community group. i love reaching up & in together.

5 woodburn lane: this road is my favorite place in charlottesville to run. i love the woods. the views of the mountains. that’s its close to our apartment. that it’s isolated but there are scattered houses on the way down.

6 a certain playroom off of rugby road: i love sitting down close to my friend with autism, saying “hi friend!” & going in adventures in the jungle, at the waterpark, & through the ocean. i love telling him stories. i love rejoicing when he eats dinner! i love learning to wait for things together.

7 hotcakes: i love their cafecitos, their pumpkin muffins & sweet conversations with christine hoover in the am.

8 my bed: this is lame but every morning as i’m sitting on the pot, i think “i can’t wait until nighttime when i can crawl into bed again.” my friend with autism & i share our love of nighttime & bedtime.

9 charlottesville, va: i just cannot get over how much i love my city! i love it’s quirkiness. i love it’s diversity. i love it’s history. i love it’s weather (well, it could snow just a little bit more). i love that it needs Jesus desperately. i love that i love where i live.

things

1 sunrises: my mom long raised me to be a sunset person, but i’m growing in my love of the early morning & especially watching the sun come up. i love watching the sun come up with my cup of coffee & my bible. i’m learning to love the mornings…which just makes me appreciate sleep & saturday mornings all the more.

2 smartwool socks: since my mom bought them for christmas i have worn them every single day & they are AMAZING. seriously. they keep your feet warm & dry.

3 tomato soup & peanut butter: try it. it will change your life.

4 candles: candles make me feel contemplative. peaceful. inspired. i burned them a lot in high school but never in college & love that part of what makes me feel at home in my apartment is burning candles.

5 the telephone: i have never been a big phone person. i much prefer face to face to conversations. however, in moving away from many of my close friends, i have grown so thankful for the phone & people who i can communicate with well over the phone.

6 red wine: i’ve long been a white person person but recently i’m growing to love red wine. drinking it makes me feel sophisticated. i love that red wine is so filling & hearty. perfect for winter.

7 almonds, hummus & carrots: yum. my favorite hiking snack & saturday lunch.

8 my space albums: my space now has full albums online. i’m a big fan of free music & of getting to listen to the whole album before having to buy it.

9 blogs: is it lame that i’m writing that i love blogs on my blog? probably so. but i love them. i love reading people’s thoughts…especially people far away.

o to grace how great a debtor daily i’m constrained to be!  let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. prone to wander, Lord, i feel it, prone to leave the God i love; here’s my heart, o take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

those are my hopes for 2010. that my heart would be sealed with the Holy Spirit. that my wandering heart would be chained to the Lord with his goodness. that daily i would see how i’m a debtor to grace. and that i would faithfully draw people to his fount overflowing with blessing.

o that day when freed from sinning, i shall see thy lovely face; clothed then in blood washed linen how i’ll sing thy sovereign grace; come, my Lord, no longer tarry, take my ransomed soul away; send thine angels now to carry me to realms of endless day.

hanukkah

i grew up chicago which has a significant jewish population. a local grocery store hired a rabbi to be a consultant on keeping shelves stocked with kosher food. we had rosh hashanah & yom kippur as school holidays. for a variety of reasons my mom has always loved hanukkah & so we celebrated it growing up (no we did not get extra presents. yes we do have a dreidel!)

this past year i’ve thought a lot about jewish traditions & the necessity of holidays. as my first year as a “grown up” i’ve come to anticipate days of rest, of the ceasing of normal activity much more so than as student. i need set days when i have to stop & reflect. i love the idea that every year we regularly have times to celebrate the goodness of God. the israelites were commanded to stop, stare at a pile of rocks on the ground & remember the faithfulness of God, in spite of current circumstances, emotions, places in life. i love this…and desperately need this.

hanukkah commemorates the faithful provision of God in the midst of one of the darkest periods in the history of israel. antiochus IV ruled over the region of israel from 175 to 164 bc. though he called himself ephiphanes, “the illustrious one,” the jews called him epimanes meaning “the madman” (reminds me of herod the butcher king ruling at the birth of Jesus). the soldiers under the direction of antiochus reportedly slaughtered 80,000 jews. he forced the jews to offer sacrifices to greek deities. in the ultimate act of defiance towards God & his people, he erected an altar to zeus in the temple & offered a pig sacrifice upon it.

a pious jew named mattathias, enraged by his countrymen worshipping false gods, murdered a jew offering a pagan sacrifice & fled to the hills, where a band of rebels was formed under the leadership of judas maccabeus. God fought for the israelites, allowing judas to defeat the army of antiochus superior in numbers & training. the first thing the jews did upon victory was to return to the temple to meet God, but before they could do that they had to purify the elements. one of the elements was a lampstand (1 kings 7:48-49) that which was supposed to burn continuously symbolizing the presence of God (like the pillar of fire when the israelites were wandering in the wilderness). however they only had enough oil to burn for one night & it took 8 days to prepare. in faith the jews lit the lamp & by the grace of God the lamp stayed lit for 8 days until the oil was prepared to replenish the lamp.

i love what hanukkah symbolizes. i love that in the middle of 400 years of “silence,” God showed up & fought for his people (joshua 1:5). i love that God defends his people (exodus 4:14). i love that God wants to meet with His people. (acts 17:26-27). i love that it foreshadows Jesus who would come as the light of the world (john 1:4-5, 8:12), who would be called Immanuel, God with us (matthew 1:23). i love that after we in our sin desecrate our relationships with God & with people, we don’t have to purify ourselves because of Jesus- he has completed the work of our purification (1 john 1:9).

my mom works in an elementary school library in a public school & every year she brings in her menorah & dreidel & tells the kids about God’s faithfulness to israel & it’s totally legal! i love that God can invade hearts even amidst the pcness of our culture. i love my mom. a lot.

so that’s the LONG version of why i love hanukkah & sometimes like to pretend that i’m jewish. and according to romans 11, i kind of am.

advent

/ædvɛnt/ [ad-vent]: the arrival of a notable person, place or event; a coming into place, view, or being; arrival

i am in a period of waiting. i’m waiting for direction. clarity. the runway lights to flash forward giving the plane of my life the go ahead to take off to a declared destination. i’m waiting expectantly. excitedly. but with no real deadline. no guarantee. no date to put on my calendar.

i feel a bit like the israelites waiting for the messiah. the whole of the old testament, from the genealogies to the prophecies, was centered around the coming of the promised Savior- the King who would come & make everything right.

a big theme of this year for me has been the unrightness of the world. i’ve seen that everything that the world has to offer is devoid of hope, of peace, of joy. i’ve seen broken lives splintered into a thousand pieces that seem impossible to put back together. but i’ve also seen glimpses of redemption in unexpected places.

i keep thinking about a sermon i heard a few christmases ago about the coming of Jesus & how it brought both joy & pain. there was great rejoicing amongst the shepherds but great mourning amongst the mothers of the sons who were murdered. there was great rejoicing for elizabeth & zachariah to be blessed with a baby but great ostracizing for mary & joseph, pregnant while she was still bethrothed. there was great rejoicing for anna & simeon as they gazed at the promised messiah, but great threatening to the powers in control of the religious & political system of the day.

when God entered our world, i expect it to look like the peaceful scene sitting atop my dresser, with tranquil looks & a variety of animals gathered around like a disney movie. but the reality is that often the coming of Jesus brings great suffering & pain. though it wasn’t what our perfect Father intended, though it wasn’t plan a, the second sin entered our universe it became plan a. God took something that had to be a part of our life as a punishment for the curse that we inflicted on ourselves & redeemed it to produce good in our lives. i love that God uses every situation, every moment for our benefit, & he does it because he is holy- he could never bring anything but good.

i find myselves like the israelites eagerly waiting the moment when he’s going to come, enter my mess & redeem it. but i also want to have open eyes, looking in unexpected places like nazareth for the coming of the Messiah. you never know where he may show up. i see him in this week’s episode of the office. i see him in the legend of saint nicholas. i see him in doug, our christmas tree. i love God loves revealing Himself to us…and he continually does it in creative & unexpected ways.

o come let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

kendra

it is snowing outside. i’m sitting in my chair in my pjs with a big cup of coffee thinking there is no place in the entire world i would rather be…except for houston, texas, one of my least favorite cities in the united states simply because it is my dear friend kendra’s birthday weekend.

kendra is one of my dearest friends in the whole world. we met our freshman year where we both had the privilege of singing in the Women’s Chorus but we weren’t really friends until sophomore year when we were both on prayer team for Upstream, a freshman Biblestudy. each week we would gather together & share our struggles & pray for our freshman & to this day the people in that group are some of my closest friends. i love prayer:)

one of my first memories of kendra was telling our stories & watching the movie milo & otis. from that point on we’ve been pretty tight. she let me sleep over at her house to give me a break from campus living. we had countless conversations sitting in her car or on a bench on campus. over the years we’ve cried & laughed together more times than i could ever count.

some of my favorite memories from college were made with kendra.

she introduced me to the glory of funny face pancakes.

lauren gave us a tour of brenham, we saw the blue bell factory & we got yummy ice cream.

we went to several football games together. she is love aggie sports more than anyone i know so i love watching games with her!

getting your ring at a&m is a big deal. i was planning on not making it a big deal but my lovely friends talked me out of it & made such a fun weekend out of it. my family couldn’t fly up for it so kendra became my family & went with me.

last spring i went back to texas for laurne gaines’ wedding. kendra drove me to & from the airport, laughed with me at the craziness of weddings in general & danced with me at the reception. that weekend was hard, as it made me miss college station a lot, so kendra was a huge encouragement to me, having deep conversation & crying with me as i left.

kendra has been a friend who has been there faithfully for me. i’m not a big phone talked but we’ve always had a really great phone relationship. since i moved to charlottesville, lots of my friendships have changed, but we are closer than ever. i am so thankful for her friendship- i truly can’t imagine life without her. oh & she visited me over memorial day & is coming back for new years! yay!

i love kendra a lot. i love her authenticity. i love that she’s loved & served me so well. we i went to the middle east, she wrote out a verse for every day that i was gone in the shape of the country i went to. i love the way she talks to Jesus. i love that reminds me that tears are a good thing. i love that she values tradition & helps me see their good. i love that she seeks Jesus even when life is hard. i love that she loves people passionately. i love that she is one of the most disciplined people i’ve ever met. i love that she’s let me be a part of her life. i love that with her i don’t have to censor or filter- i’m just me & she still loves me. i love that we laugh together…a lot. a certain kinesology textbook comes to mind. i love that we’re different in a lot of ways- & i love that it doesn’t matter. i love that we both love virginia, running & christmas. i love that she oozes Jesus through every crack, evey ounce of who she is. being around kendra has always made me want to love Jesus more & always will. he has inhabited every part of her being.

kendra happy birthday dear friend. i’m so glad God made you! and that i get to see you in 25 days!

i have a song in my head

it’s a song that i like, not like the other day when i had “party in the usa” in my head. after humming it all day long, singing it under my breath, meditating on the lyrics, i just listened to it. i listened to the melody, savoring every note, every harmonic nuance. a longing fulfilled is a glorious thing. just thinking about this experience makes me sigh with contentment.

i feel like that’s what heaven is going to be like. after years of having this song in our head, this song of how life should be, what we were created for. after hearing hints of the songs in the wind on a fall day, the crash of the ocean waves in the heat of summer, the drop of the first snowflake, the opening of the first cherry blossom. after enduring the screaching dissonance of melodies our ears were never created to hear. after years of hearing “this is the song that never ends,” we will finally be stopped in our tracks as we listen to the whole orchestra of creation sing the song that we’ve had in our heads for our whole lives. we’ll sigh & find our greatest hopes completely satisfied in Jesus.

i’ve been thinking about heaven a lot recently. trying to find the balance between being content here, finding joy here, but overal longing for the day when i get to hear the song in my head. o how i long for that day.

thoughts on christmas…since it’s november

so this year i’ve have been especially excited about the holiday season. i’ve always been a big fan of christmas. i love snow, lights, fir trees, cookies- the whole bit. but this year for some reason i’ve been extra excited. i think part of it is that it actually snows here (not as much as it does in chicago…but it gets wintery which i love). but i think the more important reason i’ve been thinking about christmas is because i’ve been meditating on finding my hope in Jesus.

i’ve been reading this series which has been really intriguing. it reminds me of this series in that it gives me a better perspective on the political climate of the time of Jesus, it inserts scripture after scripture, & it reminds me of my need for Jesus.

i’ve been pondering the wait for the Messiah throughout the Bible. since i have heard about Jesus since infancy & am not Jewish, i’ve never really understand this concept. however, this year i’ve seen a lot of darkness. i’ve come to realize that this world isn’t full of bright hopes as i once thought it was. the world is full of disappointment & heartache & suffering. i’ve seen a world in desperate need of a Redeemer- a person to enter the darkness & bring Light.

i struggle to place all of my hope in Jesus. i am quick to want to hope in a relationship or a career or a good night’s sleep. but all of those things disappoint…hope placed there is misplaced hope. i want to abide- abide in the hope that Jesus offers & rest there because He is the ONLY one that can satisfy. i anxiously await christmas because it is such a poignant reminder of that.

so i am happily listening to only (holiday) pandora stations & anxiously awaiting snow & christmas lights…not just because they make me happy but they remind me that my hope has been fulfilled in Jesus.

healthy discontent

i am quick to claim that everything’s fine, that i’m happy, that i have no complaints…and honestly i should have no complaints. i should be perfectly content. And yet i sit here in barnes & noble discontent, longing for things to be different.

in Christian circles contentment is often preached & rightly so. comparison, selfishness, pride all birth discontentment, which leads to sinful misery. but I’ve come to realize that there is healthy level of discontentment. i used to think that someday i would reach the pinnacle of my life, surveying the summit of my accomplishments & relationships with the knowledge that i had made it. no more struggle to surmount heights, overcome barriers…just smooth sailing down the mountain to heaven.

but that’s not how life works…and not just because God is a cosmic kill joy desiring to snatch away any ounce of earthly happiness we attain. sin permeates this globe from the ground that produces weeds alongside crops to the people at starbucks  who throw a fit when it takes longer than 5 minutes to get their grande extra hot no foam mocha. i may attain momentary glimpses of the summit from earth, momentary views of the goodness that God intended for us, but until heaven it’s going to be an uphill battle.

i don’t like that. i long to read a book, follow 10 easy steps & achieve the height of spiritual, economic & relational status. i don’t like to think that though this earth has some good things to offer, all will leave me longing for more until i breathe my last & i feast my eyes upon the One who will fill my soul with the eternal thanksgiving dinner.

but until that day comes, these are some of the things that have been helping me find joy in the midst of the mundanity of every day living.

christmas music.

apple cider.

reading good books (currently scouting the divine by margaret feinberg, first light by bodie & brock thoene, & john by Jesus).

thinking about what i want to be when i grow up (currently an occupational therapist).

talking to Jesus in my car.

planning my halloween costume (stargirl!).

conversing with my community group.

watching house. i just can’t get over that he’s better. it makes me so happy & reminds me of the redemption that Jesus offers….and that in coming to know Jesus we become more of ourselves, not less.

getting excited to start running again.

i acknowledge that i have these longings that aren’t fulfilled. longings for relationships, change, careers. but i also acknowledge that God gives us glimpses of himself in the midst of life…glimpses that are sweet like apples & honey. glimpses that for now are enough.

“the fear of the Lord leads to life; whoever has it rests satisified.”

columbus sailed the ocean blue

last weekend my mom came to visit for the weekend! we stayed in hotel room, slept in & took a break from life. it was glorious.

we went shopping at my favorite window shopping store, where she bought me a fun new dress after i talked her out of spending my brother’s entire college savings.

we visited our family in dc, who i really enjoy. i grew up incredibly close to my mom’s family, who i love dearly. my dad’s family always lived far away so i never knew them super well. but whenever i’m with them, i realize that i am as much my father’s daughter as i am my mother’s. it’s a cool thing-seeing your parent’s backgrounds & values & personalities meld to create your passions & abilities. i’m hoping to make more trips up to dc to spend time with them.

in honor of columbus’ birthday, we hiked up 1380 ft of crabtree falls, which claims to be the tallest waterfalls east of the missippi. the weather was fallish, the falls & views were beautiful- it was the perfect way to spend my day off.

i’ve decided that i love hiking for a lot of reasons. you get to see that God is really good at fingerpainting. it is the perfect balance of being able to spend time with people & time alone in your thoughts, which is totally my personality. i really like endurance physical activity, climbing things, & being adventurous to see cool things. and i’m really thankful that God has given me great friends & a mom to hike with me, even when it makes them really sore.

it was a great weekend of rest & spending time with my mom. and it made me miss my brother like crazy. i haven’t spent time with him since memorial day, which is entirely too long. so matt i’m counting down the days until thanksgiving, jersey boys & rockband. get excited!