beauty for ashes

this week the remaining trees lost most of their leaves. as i was driving through the mountains, i was saddened by the coming of winter.

all throughout fall i’ve thought about the irony & the beauty of death. it seems so strange to me that the process of the trees losing their their protective covering would demonstrate his splendor. and yet that fits the Lord so perfectly.

but then i saw the sunset with the trees silhouetting its glory. something i love about winter is how the emptying of the trees & the apparent stripping away of their beauty gives way to something different but beautiful in its own way. ice crystals hanging from empty branches, limbs stretching up the sky have always been so beautiful.  in the brokenness of our sin which leads to death, God brings redemption and beauty, giving us a glimpse of the future when all will be restored and made right.

this year has been a year of death & of loss for me. as i looked at the trees, i resonated so much with their position…exposed. vulnerable to the cold. empty of covering.  seemingly devoid of beauty to offer the world. and then i saw their branches reaching to the sky. in this time more than most i’ve been struck by my desperate need to depend on Jesus. though there are many times when i am hesitant, when i fear where he will take me, what he will allow to happen, i also know deep in my soul that he is my only hope.

so here i stand, emptied, vulnerable, raw with my limbs outstretched, hopeful that somehow in this place, i bring him glory, just like the trees.

the Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in zion– to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. they shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations….instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy….for as the earth brings forth its sprouts, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to sprout up before all the nations.

remember

i’ve been in a season of remembering. bill just preached on joshua 4 where the israelites build a monument of stones to remind themselves & their children of God’s faithfulness.

our church celebrated it’s third birthday. it’s been fun to remember times in the hoover’s living room dreaming & praying for this church that didn’t exist to now living & dwelling in a community. we’ve laughed at ridiculous things that happened. we’ve recounted ways God provided. we’ve talked about how hard it was at the beginning, about the difficulty of cultivating community, deepening relationships, logistically making church happen with little space & resources. we’ve eaten cake. i’ve been reading books that we’ve studied as a church. in these past three years, God has done SO much to bring families, students, space, volunteers, leaders, growth, discipleship, fish bowl, community to our church. we’ve done life together. we’ve cried together. we’ve prayed together. we’ve eaten together. we’ve become a body.

i’m studying anatomy currently & i spend most of my time thinking about the body, memorizing muscles, nerves, blood supply. it’s incredible how each part’s function is intricately tied together. when one part doesn’t function, it causes all kinds of problems.

but friends i would be lying to you if i said that remembering has not been accompanied with great pain for me. as much as i am thankful for all that God has done, i have been burdened recently with the brokenness that i’ve seen, with how far we still have to go, with relationships that have been lost.

the premise of this blog has been one of hope- hope for a future, for redemption to break forth into our brokenness, for healing to bring wholeness. in moving to charlottesville, i’ve experienced some sweet relationships. i live in a beautiful place. i am pursuing a career that i love, that keeps me awake at night in a good way, that i can’t wait to practice. but this place & this season has also been one of the hardest seasons of my life. i’ve experienced great pain in relationships, losing people i love to death & to sin. i’ve been burdened for our church, feeling the weight of the mission of bringing the gospel to charlottesville. i’ve come to a place of vulnerability, of  my sin being exposed as sin, of acknowledging how much i need him, how much i need the truth of the gospel.

it’s been good to remember that God has been faithful in the past…and that he hasn’t stopped being faithful in the present. my hope does not rest on circumstances changing, my hope for my future is in him. my hope for our church is in him. my hope for the world’s redemption is in him.

friends i invite you to remember. to reflect on the good, the bad & the ugly in your own life. i invite you to read this blog that’s going to spend the next 31 days talking about God’s love written in his word with me, to remember that his love is great & big & written down for us to be reminded of. i invite you to build stones in your mind, in your journals, on your porches of God’s faithfulness in hard & beautiful times because it’s easy to forget, to get distracted, to be overwhelmed with all that is wrong that we forget all that is right.

but this i call to mind & therefore i have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “the Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore i will hope in him.”

my quest for perfection

confession. i think that i can be perfect. if given the right set of circumstances, i can make everything happen seamlessly & easily. if i just try hard enough, plan well enough, anticipate far enough in advance, then my assignments, my ministry commitments & my relationships will all be accomplished without a hitch.

for the past year, i have worked 40+ hours a week & taken 10 hours of school while coordinating the children’s ministry at our church, applying to grad school complete with volunteer hours. in case you ever decide that that is a good idea, trust me- it’s not. i lived through the aftermath of exhaustion but would not wish that on my worst enemy. during this time, i have been fully aware of my limitations. there just aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish all of that & not go insane. all of my commitments suffered at one point or another. however, i muscled through & am now happily working just a few hours a week & in school fulltime, complete with lunch breaks, time to work out, and a bedtime of 11pm every night.

while i was trying to juggle so many things at once, i gave myself more grace, saying that i just had to get through & was much easier on myself. it was ok if i got a b in class because an a was just not possible on top of everything else i had going on. i told myself i would make it up in grad school. when i had all my time to devote to my classes, i would be perfect. i would get an a on everything. i would exceed everyone’s expectations of me.

this morning, my bubble was burst. i did poorly on a quiz that i was underprepared for, not really having a great excuse. i’ve wrestled with this all day, wishing i had done things differently, wishing i had made different choices. but as i was turning my paper into my teacher, this verse popped into my head.

my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

i recognized my weakness a lot over the past year, saying that apart from the grace of God, there is no way that any OT program would let me in…but then my plan had been to pay Him back, to perform well, to prove that i deserved to be there, to show my strength. this attitude reminds me so much of katniss from the hunger games who has such a hard time believing that she is loved. she wrestles with trusting other people, with owing people who help her, with believing that those who truly love her ask nothing of her in return except for her trust.

it’s funny how whenever i try to make it about me, He makes it about Him. the thing is i’m never going to stop needing Him. i’m never going to be strong enough, work diligently enough, try hard enough that i’ll stop needing Him. and that’s not the point. when i am weak, i can boast in Him & His power can rest on me, reminding me of my desperate need for Him & His faithful provision.

confession. i am not perfect. i can’t be perfect…and that’s ok.

thankful tuesday: deutschland

my sister has been studying for the past three months in bonn, germany & due to the incredible generosity of my parents, i get to spend 2.5 weeks seeing her life, meeting her friends & exploring europe. i am thankful for

time with my sister. it is rare that we get so much time alone together, without other people. i’ve enjoyed being together, laughing together, catching up on life over the past few months & praying together.

roadtrip to leipzig

canal tour on roadtrip to the netherlands

bonn! it is a beautiful city. we’ve hiked up a mountain to see a nearby castle, hung out by the beethoven statue who my sister & her friends affectionally call “the beevs,” walked along the rhine, & seen beautiful sunsets. the pace of life is unrushed, which has been much appreciated after a busy season of life for me.

favorite day in germany. hiking up to a castle.

being outside! we’ve spent most of our time here outside (the weather has been wonderful) just being. talking. eating yummy food. it has been incredibly restorative after months of studying & being inside!

bonn botanical gardens

culture. i love traveling to places that have such a deep history. it’s amazing to walk through streets & look at buildings so much older than america! i’ve also gained a much greater appreciation for classical music, art, architecture the impact of war on a people & cobblestone streets.

we arrived at the mendelssohn house just in time for a piano concert

yummy food! though we’ve eaten some really good food from restaurants, some of my favorites have been bratwurst, crepes & ice cream from street vendors.

(we were too busy eating to take any pictures).

humility. though i love to travel & am good at traveling in that i am fairly flexible, i do have a few fatal flaws…i don’t speak a lick of german & i have a terrible sense of direction. i think my new philosophy should be to determine which way i think i should go & then go the opposite way, for my instincts are always completely wrong. it’s been cool to be reminded of dependence (emily has to order everything for me & get me everywhere) & to see her in her element.
rest. i came to germany weary. since i was here for a good amount of time, our weeks together have been unrushed. we’ve traveled & seen a lot, but we’ve also rested well. i’ve had time to read. run. think. pray. and that has been wonderful…and prepared me to come back & start grad school.

the time here has been so sweet & such a gift. it truly has been a once in a lifetime opportunity that i’m so grateful for.

you give the healing & grace our hearts always hunger for

it’s been one of the hardest years of my life. i’ve watched dear friends suffer heartbreaking loss. i’ve wrestled with dark, heart wrenching questions that have seeped through the cracks of my life into every moment, every thought, effectively robbing me of joy & meaning. i’ve been ridiculously busy. i’ve been waiting impatiently, desperately desiring change. healing. restoration. hope.

recently i got some wonderful news that served as a tangible example of God’s goodness of love and it has caused me to think through the past year. though it has been a rough year, i’ve also seen the faithfulness of God in several ways. i’ve been reading this book. there are parts of it that i love & there are parts of it that i don’t relate to at all (she homeschools her kids on a farm & that’s just not where i am in life…and truthfully pray that i never will be). however, the premise of the book…fully engaging in every moment & being thankful for every gift God gives, even the ones that include suffering & heartache….is excellent & much needed in my hard, broken heart. so here are some things i’m thankful for.

my family. they have been so supportive & encouraging through the difficulty of this year. they’ve provided much needed breaks complete with plane tickets, yummy food & excellent children’s literature. i have rested well & felt so loved by them.

graduate school. i have the privilege of pursuing my dream of becoming an occupational therapist. so excited.

charlottesville. though i miss my family, i am excited about spending the next two plus years here, continuing to invest in a city & in people i love.

charlottesville community church. i love the body of believers i get to be a part of. i’ve seen the faithfulness of God in my church & his love for me through the people that i get to do life with.

kids. for so long we prayed for families & kids to come to our church. i’ve spent much of the past year being stressed out about the gift that families are to our church because it’s my job to make sure they hear truth, stay safe & have fun. but i am so thankful God has brought families with kids to our church.

colossians. our pastors are preaching through it on sundays, we’re studying it in community group, i’ve been listening to other sermons on it & we’re trying to memorize it as a church. i’ve never spent so much time with a book of the bible…and i’m loving it.

my roommates. i love them. they bless me like crazy with words. actions. laughter. fun. living in our house has been an incredible blessing.

this blog. whenever i need to hear truth, i open my bible & this blog. granted, the author happens to be one of my best friends & so even when her posts are just pictures of her kids, i can just look at faces that i love so much & feel blessed. even so, her words always encourage me to find rest & grace & hope in Christ. i’ve needed to hear those words constantly this past year & found them there.

guys who pursue girls well. at times i have a low opinion of the male race. i have just seen many guys do relationships really poorly. but i’ve seen some of my friends be pursued well by guys. they’ve esteemed my friends as better than themselves, protected them, sought to help them guard their hearts, been patient. and it gives me hope.

frisbee. when i play frisbee, i experience great joy & freedom. it has been something that brings back wonderful memories & brings life into my present.

so in the midst of a hard season, i rejoice, for he’s here & he’s enough.

spring break

seven years ago [o gosh. i'm old] i went on spring break with the parental imposed deadline of having to determine where i wanted to go to college. we spent the week in wisconsin eating yummy food, playing cards, watching sunsets & praying…and when i left i had assurance i was supposed to go to texas a&m. i remember more than anything the deciding factor was that i got more excited about the idea of going to a&m (versus going to baylor). that decision is one that i look back on & know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is where God wanted me for that season. though i mock texas all the time, i had a wonderful college experience & college station will always hold a special place in my heart. i made forever friends, had some incredible experiences & grew in my knowledge & love of Jesus.

three years ago, i spent some time in richmond & decided to move to charlottesville.

i made plans to spend spring break with my family in south carolina with grand hopes of reading, playing cards, watching basketball & resting after an exhausting season. then a phone call & an email later, i found out that i’ve been accepted into both graduate schools that i applied for for occupational therapy.

if you’ve spoken to me in the past few weeks/months, you know that my heart has been anxious. anxious to hear. anxious to know what’s next. not believing that i would get in. not believing that God had good plans for my life. not trusting that he is faithful. good. loving.

it’s been a week of God reminding me that he’s good. that he is not a God of confusion. that he knows what he’s doing.

so now i’m spending yet another spring break praying, seeking direction & confirmation. i’d appreciate your prayers…but know that i have lots of peace that wherever he leads, it will sweet because he’s coming too.

community

when we were still in college station, i remember brainstorming ideas for church names with the hoovers. at this point we knew we were moving to charlottesville & we had spoken & prayed about characteristics that we longed to define the church but a name still alluded us. at one point i remember a cool sounding greek name being on the table…and charlottesville community church. being the wanna be hipster that i am, i was rooting for the cool sounding greek name. i like things that have a deeper meaning, that cause people to ask questions…and we’d be able to design a cool logo. but alas, charlottesville community church was chosen. i remember thinking, of all the words defining our church, why community? i think mostly it rubbed me the wrong way because it seemed so unoriginal. community was a word that didn’t tell me a whole lot about who we were.

i’ve been thinking a lot about my thoughts early on because my thoughts were so wrong…and i can’t think of a more perfect name for our church. community has such a deeper meaning to me because of our church. previously when i thought of community, all i could think of was a bunch of broken people gathering together at potlucks. i didn’t believe the church was the manifold wisdom of God because of all my church baggage, all the ways the church & its people had hurt me. but then God put me in the middle of this broken community in charlottesville…and he showed me how he uses broken, sinful people to heal, to restore, to speak truth, to breathe life into death. in times of anticipation & of growth, they have been there, encouraging & supporting. and in times of sorrow, of doubt, of loss, they’ve been there, weeping & praying. i’ve seen community up close, with its warmth, compassion and tears, with its dark circles underneath the eyes, concern and weariness, with its hope, peace and love.

jenny and i were talking the other about how we can’t imagine leaving charlottesville and leaving our church. and yet that’s something that may happen for both of us in the future; we have no guarantees of staying. instead of causing spontaneous weeping (which is what usually happens when i think about leaving), in thinking about community i’ve been comforted. the defining characteristic of our church is not charlottesville, its community…and best part of that is that it isn’t limited to a specific geographic location. it’s present in a kitchen in a church in prospect heights serving the homeless. it’s present in a house full of roommates on hartford drive in college station. it’s present in a living room in the middle east. and i have great hope that it will be present wherever i end up next.

go pack go

fumble for a loss.

that was the very first sentence i ever spoke. my parents were away at the hospital bringing my little sister into the world & so i got to spend the weekend with my aunt. my mom left her daughter who loved dresses & curls & dolls in the hands of a woman who worked with a bunch of truck drivers…and i’ve never been the same.

sports have always been a huge part of my family. my dad used to take my mom & my aunt to baseball games; my mom would paint her nails & my dad & aunt would commentate the entire game. we scheduled sunday family dinners around halftime. when the white sox were in the world series, we had a family party complete with black & white decorations & matching tshirts. after thanksgiving, christmas & easter, the superbowl is the next biggest holiday in our house. it’s what we train for all year. sports connect our family across miles & generations & it culminates on superbowl sunday.

football has always been a huge source of contention in our house. my dad loves the patriots; my grandpa loves the bears & i love the packers. my aunt out of the goodness of her heart & because she loves me became a packers fan as well. she & my uncle have taken me to games at lambeau (tickets which are not easy to come by), bought me cheesy packers paraphernalia, & even offered to fly me home for the superbowl.

i love living in virginia for so many reasons…but tonight the only place i wanted to be was in chicago watching the game with my family. my mom, brother & sister all love the black eyed peas & were cheering for the half time show…and would say that they won. my dad & grandpa begrudgingly were rooting for the steelers & were so excited to see them make a game out of it. and my aunt & i were ECSTATIC to see our team make it & win. to watch a team riddled with injuries, even during the game, overcome the odds. to watch an organization who put their faith in the a young quarterback despite much scrutiny see their efforts come to fruition. to hear humility & gratitude pour forth from the mouths of their players.

bottom line…i love football. i love my family. and i love the green bay packers. so proud to be a fan tonight…and so thankful to be a member of my family.

resolve

since 2011 started sixteen days ago, i’ve thought often about resolutions, about instituting change in my life, about breaking old habits & establishing new ones. my mind churns the milk of my thoughts without producing any productive butter, just curdling & spoiling present moments with all my life lacks. i lack punctuality. discipline. routine. spontaneity. experience. relationships.

i entered into the new year desperate for newness. though 2010 wasn’t the worst year ever, it certainly wasn’t the best & i longed for things to be different. better. new. instead i feel weighed down with much of the same burdens. instead of seeing prayers answered, i see more lives breaking. instead of seeing new life, i see more death. instead of finding reasons to rejoice, i find reasons to weep.

today in the sermon bill talked about our identity in Jesus. he said that just as a husband doesn’t have to work at being a husband, so we don’t have to work at being “holy and blameless and above reproach before [God].” we are blameless & above reproach because we are reconciled. redeemed. right now. that work is complete. so now we’re called to live like we believe that.

i don’t live like i believe that because in truth i struggle to believe that. at times i’d rather present Jesus with a list of ways i’m going to make myself blameless. but as bill so poignantly reminded us today, that negates the death of Jesus. he died to reconcile me to God. my insistence that i can fix this is a slap in the face to the one who has already repaired it.

so rather than listing resolutions, i instead am establishing resolve. resolve to change patterns of thinking in hopes of affecting patterns of behavior. resolve to live like my God is stronger than my enemy & has completed the work of his defeat. resolve to fill my mind & heart with truth in hopes that it seeps into my bloodstream & bone & thoughts & all the way down into my soul. resolve to rejoice in the evidence of Jesus in snow & good conversations & cups of coffee. resolve to cast anxiety & tears over all the brokenness in the world on the shoulders of the one who bottles up all my tears because He cares. resolve to put on the clothing of humility rather than the armor of pride when i get up in the morning. resolve to seek more of Him because there is more of Him to be had in early mornings & home cooked meals & runs & glasses of wine & good books. resolve to “continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that [I] heard,” simply because it is the only hope i have.

emmanuel

and they sang responsively, praising and giving thanks to the Lord, “for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever toward israel.” and all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid. but many of the priests and levites and heads of fathers’ houses, old men who had seen the first house, wept with a loud voice when they saw the foundation of this house being laid, though many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people’s weeping, for the people shouted with a great shout, and the sound was heard far away. ezra 3:11-13

i love the part in the bible that talks about the exile. it’s my favorite. God’s love for kings & poor people; jews & gentiles; the righteous & the sinner is so evident. God’s control over circumstances is profoundly demonstrated. it’s poetic & painful & speaks to my soul.

when i read this verse, i could not help but think about advent. christmas is a time where people sing on street corners & string their houses with lights & eat cookies for breakfast. yet this time is dark for so many people. the joy of others makes their sorrow all the more pronounced. the togetherness of families & couples makes their loneliness all the more pronounced. the love experienced by so many makes their loss more pronounced.

there is something so beautiful about that picture painted in the verses above. people gathered. some joyous at all they had been given; others mourning all that they had lost. yet the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people’s weeping, for the people shouted with a great shout, and the sound was heard far away….though their experiences appeared externally so dissonant, they were gathered together in the joy & pain…and God was there. He was in the midst of the joy & the tears & his steadfast love endured forever. through the greatness of the kingdom of israel. through the suffering of the exile. even amidst the unrest in the middle east today.

this is what we’re called to do as the church…to gather together in our joy & our pain & praise- to praise through tears & gladness & grief & rejoicing. to be mindful that at times when we are joyful, others are mourning…and to come hold their hands. to be mindful that at times when we are hurting, others are rejoicing & to celebrate with them. to confess evidence of his goodness & acknowledge our brokenness. to remember when God entered our brokenness & repaired all the fell apart & to hope in the day when he returns & makes all right.

o come, o come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive israel
That mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear.
rejoice! rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, o israel.

o come, thou day-spring, come and cheer our spirits by thine advent here.
disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death’s dark shadows put to flight.
rejoice! rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, o israel.