i have a song in my head

it’s a song that i like, not like the other day when i had “party in the usa” in my head. after humming it all day long, singing it under my breath, meditating on the lyrics, i just listened to it. i listened to the melody, savoring every note, every harmonic nuance. a longing fulfilled is a glorious thing. just thinking about this experience makes me sigh with contentment.

i feel like that’s what heaven is going to be like. after years of having this song in our head, this song of how life should be, what we were created for. after hearing hints of the songs in the wind on a fall day, the crash of the ocean waves in the heat of summer, the drop of the first snowflake, the opening of the first cherry blossom. after enduring the screaching dissonance of melodies our ears were never created to hear. after years of hearing “this is the song that never ends,” we will finally be stopped in our tracks as we listen to the whole orchestra of creation sing the song that we’ve had in our heads for our whole lives. we’ll sigh & find our greatest hopes completely satisfied in Jesus.

i’ve been thinking about heaven a lot recently. trying to find the balance between being content here, finding joy here, but overal longing for the day when i get to hear the song in my head. o how i long for that day.

thoughts on christmas…since it’s november

so this year i’ve have been especially excited about the holiday season. i’ve always been a big fan of christmas. i love snow, lights, fir trees, cookies- the whole bit. but this year for some reason i’ve been extra excited. i think part of it is that it actually snows here (not as much as it does in chicago…but it gets wintery which i love). but i think the more important reason i’ve been thinking about christmas is because i’ve been meditating on finding my hope in Jesus.

i’ve been reading this series which has been really intriguing. it reminds me of this series in that it gives me a better perspective on the political climate of the time of Jesus, it inserts scripture after scripture, & it reminds me of my need for Jesus.

i’ve been pondering the wait for the Messiah throughout the Bible. since i have heard about Jesus since infancy & am not Jewish, i’ve never really understand this concept. however, this year i’ve seen a lot of darkness. i’ve come to realize that this world isn’t full of bright hopes as i once thought it was. the world is full of disappointment & heartache & suffering. i’ve seen a world in desperate need of a Redeemer- a person to enter the darkness & bring Light.

i struggle to place all of my hope in Jesus. i am quick to want to hope in a relationship or a career or a good night’s sleep. but all of those things disappoint…hope placed there is misplaced hope. i want to abide- abide in the hope that Jesus offers & rest there because He is the ONLY one that can satisfy. i anxiously await christmas because it is such a poignant reminder of that.

so i am happily listening to only (holiday) pandora stations & anxiously awaiting snow & christmas lights…not just because they make me happy but they remind me that my hope has been fulfilled in Jesus.

healthy discontent

i am quick to claim that everything’s fine, that i’m happy, that i have no complaints…and honestly i should have no complaints. i should be perfectly content. And yet i sit here in barnes & noble discontent, longing for things to be different.

in Christian circles contentment is often preached & rightly so. comparison, selfishness, pride all birth discontentment, which leads to sinful misery. but I’ve come to realize that there is healthy level of discontentment. i used to think that someday i would reach the pinnacle of my life, surveying the summit of my accomplishments & relationships with the knowledge that i had made it. no more struggle to surmount heights, overcome barriers…just smooth sailing down the mountain to heaven.

but that’s not how life works…and not just because God is a cosmic kill joy desiring to snatch away any ounce of earthly happiness we attain. sin permeates this globe from the ground that produces weeds alongside crops to the people at starbucks  who throw a fit when it takes longer than 5 minutes to get their grande extra hot no foam mocha. i may attain momentary glimpses of the summit from earth, momentary views of the goodness that God intended for us, but until heaven it’s going to be an uphill battle.

i don’t like that. i long to read a book, follow 10 easy steps & achieve the height of spiritual, economic & relational status. i don’t like to think that though this earth has some good things to offer, all will leave me longing for more until i breathe my last & i feast my eyes upon the One who will fill my soul with the eternal thanksgiving dinner.

but until that day comes, these are some of the things that have been helping me find joy in the midst of the mundanity of every day living.

christmas music.

apple cider.

reading good books (currently scouting the divine by margaret feinberg, first light by bodie & brock thoene, & john by Jesus).

thinking about what i want to be when i grow up (currently an occupational therapist).

talking to Jesus in my car.

planning my halloween costume (stargirl!).

conversing with my community group.

watching house. i just can’t get over that he’s better. it makes me so happy & reminds me of the redemption that Jesus offers….and that in coming to know Jesus we become more of ourselves, not less.

getting excited to start running again.

i acknowledge that i have these longings that aren’t fulfilled. longings for relationships, change, careers. but i also acknowledge that God gives us glimpses of himself in the midst of life…glimpses that are sweet like apples & honey. glimpses that for now are enough.

“the fear of the Lord leads to life; whoever has it rests satisified.”

columbus sailed the ocean blue

last weekend my mom came to visit for the weekend! we stayed in hotel room, slept in & took a break from life. it was glorious.

we went shopping at my favorite window shopping store, where she bought me a fun new dress after i talked her out of spending my brother’s entire college savings.

we visited our family in dc, who i really enjoy. i grew up incredibly close to my mom’s family, who i love dearly. my dad’s family always lived far away so i never knew them super well. but whenever i’m with them, i realize that i am as much my father’s daughter as i am my mother’s. it’s a cool thing-seeing your parent’s backgrounds & values & personalities meld to create your passions & abilities. i’m hoping to make more trips up to dc to spend time with them.

in honor of columbus’ birthday, we hiked up 1380 ft of crabtree falls, which claims to be the tallest waterfalls east of the missippi. the weather was fallish, the falls & views were beautiful- it was the perfect way to spend my day off.

i’ve decided that i love hiking for a lot of reasons. you get to see that God is really good at fingerpainting. it is the perfect balance of being able to spend time with people & time alone in your thoughts, which is totally my personality. i really like endurance physical activity, climbing things, & being adventurous to see cool things. and i’m really thankful that God has given me great friends & a mom to hike with me, even when it makes them really sore.

it was a great weekend of rest & spending time with my mom. and it made me miss my brother like crazy. i haven’t spent time with him since memorial day, which is entirely too long. so matt i’m counting down the days until thanksgiving, jersey boys & rockband. get excited!

embracing how i’m made

i hate crafts. i don’t know what it is about me but there is nothing life giving about gluing things together, picking out colors & stressing out as it doesn’t turn out the way i imagine, which makes me try less, which makes it turn into a sticky glob of failure. i feel bad. it would be really helpful to love crafts, considering i coordinate a children’s minsitry. it would help me bond with my mom. it would allow me to decorate things inexpensively. but i just can’t bring myself to like them. coloring is about the only art medium i can get behind. i feel the same way about music. i don’t particularly enjoy producing music. i played piano for forever but i never loved it. i enjoyed choir for a time but don’t miss it…and don’t particularly enjoy singing now.

the fact is i hate creating things. all i can think of is how it doesn’t measure up to my expectations. it is not therapeutic- afterwards i feel like i need therapy.

however i love looking at lovely art & listening to beautiful music. every monday i enter my community leader’s apartment & stare at her beautiful walls full of things she’s painted. every day i stare at the beautiful pictures my friend tahni takes & drool. yesterday i sat out on my porch, listened to the song “all creatures of our God & King” & stared at pictures in this book. i like to think of myself as an aficionado of music & art, though i can’t produce them.

often i berate myself for this fact, desiring to take pretty pictures & play intricate chords on the piano. often i envy the gifts God has given others, selfishly wanting them for myself. often i long to be someone i’m not.

i long to be a person who is content in being created & appreciating created things. i long to be a person content at gazing at the depth of the Father’s beauty displayed in a well-crafted sentence, a well-composed shot, the perfectly held chord. i long to embrace being created & encourage those around me who produce beauty that makes me love God more, knowing that in that i display part of God’s glory too- the glory of encouraging. fostering. loving.

i’m not there yet…but that’s where i hope i’m headed. so i ask for patience as my soul settles into it’s skin, embracing it’s limits rather than fighting them, like the restrictions of a parachute- uncomfortable on the ground but intended to keep you safe as you fly.

ps to all of my wonderful artist friends- please please please keep creating beautiful things…and if you’re ever wondering what to do with your life, you could always move to charlottesville, virginia. our church needs a worship pastor & someone to make the crafts for our children’s ministry. just sayin.

these are a few of my favorite things

my wonderful community leader is letting me borrow her copy, which i plan on returning on monday & buying a copy for me, for commkids & everyone i know. i was won over by the fact that Jesus looks like a hippie indie guitar player on the front, which is how i always imagine Jesus. the first page almost made me cry. it is the story of the gospel in simple but profound terms on every page. the illustrations are beautiful & creative. it includes one of my favorite stories of the old testament (naaman the syrian) & a page on the minor prophets. it’s phenomenal. it has reinspired my love for the God’s Word.

yes i realize my placement might need a little editing. however one of my new favorite things to do is bring my bible to a restaurant bar & drink beer with Jesus. unconventional, yes. delicious, absolutely. this beer tastes like football, crisp leaves, & bonfires. it tastes like fall & i love it. i’m trying to branch out & try new ones but i haven’t found a beer that i like as much as this one yet.

this film failed to inspire me to cook or blog. nevertheless it was lovely. meryl streep & amy adams performed with excellence, as did their husbands (i particularly liked stanley tucci as julia’s husband). it encouraged me that inspiration can be found wherever you are in life & whatever you’re doing. i aspire to be self-assured like julia & have quirky style & drink martinis like julie. it also made me want to be an editor someday, although after reading the school story for the second time, maybe i’d like to be an agent? i think i need to read a real book about the publishing industry, rather than stories about it.

this song just makes me so happy. her voice is beautiful. i love that her harmonies have a choral quality to them. i love that this music video did cool things technically while capturing the essence of her song & that she never changes her outfit. and i love that i will get to hear her in person tomorrow.

4 in the am is my favorite hour of the day. 3 am is a typical hour to go to sleep & 5 am is a typical hour to wake up so 4 am is the only in between hour. i experienced my first 4 am in virginia yesterday. though i was not excited about waking up to do work at that hour, i was excited to experience my first 4 am. it was dark & foggy & reminded me of college & was not altogether bad. since i’ve been up for 19 straight hours on a measly 4 hours of sleep, i should be sleeping but i got all riled up after watching him.

he’s conniving. he’s manipulative. he sabatoged his own team. he’s filthy rich. he never tells the truth…and he’s brilliant. he won’t win. but he will be incredibly entertaining to watch…and at this rate he’ll go far. i can’t wait to see what else he’ll do & who will buy into it.

i’ll leave you with my favorite creed quote of all time- “if i can’t scuba then what’s this all about? what have i been working toward?”

embracing change

currently i am sitting out on our porch with a cup of tea drinking in the arrival of fall. normally i am not a big fan of change but i have been anxiously awaiting the change that accompanies this time of year.

this has been a beautiful summer. i’ve been really busy. i’ve had sweet time with friends & family. i read lots of good books. i went swimming. i worked…a lot. but i was ready for summer to be over. i was ready for change- a change in temperature, a change in schedule, a change in season. and i got what i wanted.

i love fall. i love apple cider. i love leaves that change. i love long sleeve tshirt weather. i love the crisp smell. i love new beginnings. i love football. i love the anticipation of christmas. i love the piano. every morning that it’s been cool i’ve done a little happy dance. i am thankful that living in texas has made me appreciate the nuances of seasons so much. i’ve considered hosting an autumnal equinox celebration like stargirl. that’s how pumped i am about fall.

after working 2 jobs for the past few months, i was hired full time at a publications company (where i’ve been working since june). though i’ve had my apprehensions about this job, i’m getting more excited about it. they are giving me more responsibilities, i am using both of my degrees to an extent, i am developing relationships with the ladies i work with & i work 8:30-5. beautiful. after months of crying, praying, struggling with job issues, Father has answered with a job that’s a good fit for now. i am so thankful.

our little church has grown so much! it’s hard to believe that only a few short months ago we were meeting in a living room. consistently we have about 5 families coming, which keeps me on my toes planning kids stuff. we had to double our volunteers for the upcoming months. but i love our kids…and i love building relationships with the kids & the parents. i feel inadequate most of the time when it comes to commkids but at the same time excited about growing & making little disciples.

after 7 months of living in charlottesville, i can truly say i feel at home here. i’ve enjoyed the past few weeks getting to know my new roommate, helping with church events, spending time catching up with old friends & building new relationships, and putting down roots. on labor day i went hiking with a good friend who is about to move & a friend who we’ve met since moving here. it was so fun! i love discovering that i really like being outdoorsy & look forward to doing more things outside this fall & buying a hiking backpack.  2 of my favorite bands are coming here, which makes me so happy. everytime ingrid’s maybe comes on the radio, i get really excited.

i think part of why i’m eager for change is because amidst all of the change, i feel like my relationship with God has been just maintaining the status quo. amidst busyness & adjusting & taking advantage of opportunites, i feel like i’ve kind of just left him to simmer on the back burner. i don’t want that to be the case. i desire him to be the main event- the stew pot that everything else gets added into, that holds everything together. when everything was falling apart, God was so essential. i hate that i consistently do this…only cling when i can’t do anything else.

i read this several weeks ago: “for as the loincloth clings to the waste of a man, so i made the whole house of israel & the whole house of judah cling to me, declares the Lord, that they might be for me a people, a name, a praise, a glory ” jermiah 13:11. i love that God uses underwear to illustrate a spiritual principle. just a loincloth is designed to cling, so we as people are designed to cling. we’re designed to cling to God & we’re designed to cling to people. if we’re not clinging, we are resisting how we were made. but i forget this all the time. father, may i conform to the way you designed me…and may i cling to you when i’m busy, when i’m anxious for change, & when i’m excited about the future…just as i cling to you when all falls apart.

the multi-faceted wisdom of God

i’ve been thinking about the church a lot. a year ago if you had asked me about my thoughts on the church, you would have gotten a frustrated response as i coped with working among believers who were sinners (who would have thought). in high school, you would have gotten a bitter response from a girl desperate for friends & community only to be consistently left on the outside. and even a month ago you would have gotten a response that most churches really piss me off…but charlottesville community church, now they’re different. i had this faulty idea that maybe if we plant this church, it will be a restoration of everything that breaks my heart about the church.

me & the church have a lot of baggage. i have given countless hours of my life to my relationship with the church & it consistently lets me down. throughout the years i’ve collected an assortment of suitcases full of disappointment. i’ve carried around all this bitterness & resentment towards the church- and felt justified. because after all the church isn’t Jesus. it’s simply a bunch of hypocritical followers of him. in some ways i think i’ve been a big fan of Jesus but not such a big fan of the church, all the while disguising my feelings by being actively involved in church, serving in different ministries & working for a church (who’s the hypocrite now?)

in our community group a while back we read these verses from ephesians “to me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God who created all things, so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places.” after reading that verse i proceeded to say with much disdain that i had no clue what paul was talking about…dropping my suitcases & my bitterness exposed tumbling forth. but my pastor responded by talking about how the church is the multi-faceted wisdom of God. even in it’s brokenness the church reflects the redemption of God.

God’s wisdom doesn’t make sense to me. i don’t know why he chooses to use broken people who mess things up. i don’t know why he chooses to redeem hypocrites like me. i don’t understand why he loves the church. but he does. a whole lot. just read ephesians. or hosea. or isaiah. or corinthians. really any book of the bible. God loves the church & if i love God, i’ll love his church too.

since moving to charlottesville for the purpose of starting a church, i must confess that i have been desperately searching for a job partially because i would love to not have to pay for insurance but also because simply moving here to help plant a church isn’t good enough for me. i have desperately desired to be able to tell people something other than i moved here to start a church, like i moved here to help with a church & then i got this great job using my abilities & passions. i didn’t love the church enough for that to be enough for me.

last week i went to family camp in michigan. i rested. i walked the coast. i read 7 books, the best of which being drums, girls & dangerous pie. i read my bible on the beach.  i met reece & jenson who are two absoltutely adorable little boys who i get to be related to. i played games with my family & developed a new appreciation for hand & foot. i ate ice cream…every night. i laughed with my family a lot. i worked out. it was rejuvenating. i retreated from life & got some much needed perspective & time to think.

the worship was led by a pianist with a huge beard & an earring who sang hymns each night. the missionary for the week works among native americans in the pacific northwest. he talked about his work being like nehemiah in restoring the name of the Lord. in him talking about how twisted the native american view is of God because of things Christians have done, i could not help but think of charlottesville & how burned people here have been by the church…and how burned by the church i have been. but i was encouraged to hear his perspective that it is not about fixing their perspective of the church- it is about restoring the name of the Lord. he bible teacher spoke about the dna of a healthy church. he is an old pastor of a church fruitport, michigan (a suburb of a nothing town)- but he spoke about things that are so true, that have been on my heart. it was convicting, encouraging & so good.

he talked about building relationships with believers. refining & being refined by each other. i got to experience that the week before when my sweet friends rachel moore-not-less & mrs. lauren gaines came to visit me! we spent the weekend catching up on life. we laughed & ate yummy food & drank wine & enjoyed the beauty of virginia. i loved showing them my home, sharing my heart, praying together, laughing together & watching the office. i was struck by how our lives are really different now. we’ve gone from 3 friends loving & praying for freshman together to sharing a home but all going to different churches & working in different ministries to living in different cities & states. we live different lives. we’ve had different struggles. and we’re great friends & will be for a long time. seeing them made me so thankful that God gives us people to do life along side.

he talked about being externally focused & being actively involved in the lives of people who don’t know Jesus. in the past month i have been so encouraged at the restaurant i work at. God has given me deep relationships with the people i work with. we’ve had good conversations about life & truth & Jesus at work & outside of work. one of my friends even came to church with me. i’ve seen much purpose in me being there. i’m so thankful for my relationships with the people i work with…and for God’s faithfulness in providing me with genuine relationships with people who don’t love Jesus.

as he talked i wept & prayed & thought about church…and i began to see that God doesnt’ just love “the church”- God loves central baptist church. God loves cornerstone bible church. God loves the orchard evangelical free church. God loves moody bible church. God loves st. peter lutheran church. God loves north northfield methodist church. in spite of their short comings. in spite of the ways they’ve hurt me & my family. in spite of their brokenness. he loves them. and as i saw that i he took my baggage full of bitterness & replaced it with rejoicing. rejoicing in what God was doing through the church. rejoicing in his faithfulness. rejoicing in all the wonderful things that i have because of the church (the least of which being insurance). and it made me excited to come back- to return from retreating & participate in God’s work of redeeming charlottesville to himself that he’s doing through the church.

God loves the church & i will spend the rest of my life pouring myself into people through the church.

great expectations

we enter the world with lots of them, don’t we? at least i did. now that i’m finally at a stage in life where there’s not an inevitable stage to follow, i see how much hope i place in the next thing happening. life will get so much better once i’m in high school. once i leave home & go off to college. once this semester full of 8:00s is over. once school is over…because then i’ll have a job i love & be married (or at least moving towards that) & life will be grand.

my life is far from grand- and it’s because this world is far from grand. for the 5ooo+ years this globe’s been spinning, the brokenness of sin has been multiplying by the second, feeding off the lies the enemy perpetuates. it’s this crazy cycle- God extending us redemption & us rejecting it, sure we can find fulfillment in the next relationship, the next rung on the ladder, the next pint consumed. but he sure is persistent, isn’t he? he pursues us. he hems us in, behind & before.

so often i get frustrated with God because i don’t get him. i don’t get what he’s up to. and isaiah 55:8 feels like his version of “because i said so.” there are times when all i long for is an explanation as to why my expectations are so often dashed to pieces. but then in the midst of the frustration & the tears & the disappointment there’s this glimpse of hope- of how life was intended to be. and sometimes that’s enough.

today i read rules by cynthia lord. it was wonderful. i cried after reading the first chapter. i loved it because it captured the brokenness that autism causes. marriages are strained. siblings are forced to grow up a little early. simple things become these huge chores. but it also captured the beauty- the joy you experience when you can connect even if it’s in a goofy way. the humor that inevitably happens. and the redemption that God breathes into families & people with disabilities.

our greatest expectations will be dashed to pieces when our hope is placed anywhere else but Father. but when we fix our hope on Him, we are filled with all the fullness of Him…and that always is enough.

ramblings of rejoicing

i have much to be thankful for.

after months of weeping, complaining & beseeching God gave me another job. it’s kept me on my toes, dealing with a devious phone system, the mind bogglingness of bulk mailing & longing for central’s postage machine. i have never been so grateful for the ability to pick what i want to wear. i’ve become quite busy, which at least for this week has felt so good. i love a full busy schedule because when you do have free time (like this beautiful evening), you can appreciate it & watch a movie & not feel guilty.

i am still working at the restaurant, which is a blessing in a lot of ways. one of my coworkers is writing a novel where the lead character questions whether or not God is passive. he let me read it, which has been an interesting & really cool experience. it’s made me realize that someday i would still love to edit books. it combines literature, encouraging & detail orientedness- all things that are me. it’s led to great conversations about literature & life & Jesus. and it’s made me see purpose in a situation that for so long felt miserable for no reason.

my friend with autism is my favorite. yesterday we talked about big huge snakes & how God made big huge snakes for him because God loves him. his face lit up. people long for the love that God offers. i forget that a lot. i’ve been thinking about discipleship lately & wondering if i will disciple girls in charlottesville. in a lot of ways i feel like i’m discipling my friend though. each week God just comes into our time together. i love that.

exciting things are happening in our church. we’re doing a lot of serving the community,putting together events to let people know about our church. we have another family coming which is really sweet. we’ve been studying the letters to the seven churches so i’ve been reading revelation, which i’ll admit is one of my least favorite books. eschatology freaks me out, so i normally avoid it. but i thought i’d give it a shot. it has so much to say about Jesus, which has been neat to read. as i read the letter written to laodecia, i couldn’t help but be convicted:

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. would that you were either cold or hot! so, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. for you say, i am rich, i have prospered, and i need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. i counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. behold, I stand at the door and knock. if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. the one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. he who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. (revelation 3:15-22)

confession: i thought this whole moving to charlottesville thing would be a piece of cake. after all i moved to texas & had an amazing college experience. and charlottesville’s WAY better than texas. it’s beautiful. the weather’s so much nicer. there’s music & fun free things to do & mountains. i moved here thinking i am rich. i’ve prospered. i need nothing. but man, it’s been hard. my pride has had the rug ripped from beneath it’s feet & i’ve been left writhing in pain on the floor of my expectations. i’ve felt poor in spirit & finances. i’ve felt blind as to where to go, how to proceed, what to pursue. i’ve felt naked, having everything familar stripped away & being left with my shame. being here has made me question: is my hope wrapped up completely in the Lord? is his worthy of my trust? my life? do i really want to be hot? because lukewarm is a lot less costly. last summer was tea sitting out for an hour luke warm. and it was a heck of a lot easier. but in charlottesville i’ve seen things about God & myself that i never would have seen somewhere more comfortable. i’ve been disciplined & reproved. and daily i long to be zelous & repent.

i don’t know if come january i’ll have a virginia address. i don’t know what trusting God with my whole life looks like six months from now. i don’t know if being hot will equate to staying here or moving somewhere else. i think it could be either. but i know this- i’m thankful for today & for charlottesville & that i’m here for this season. in these things i rejoice.